The Journey to the Father

*This is the first time in my life I could actually put down my story into words. I spent 5 hours writing this as to be sent along with other application papers. But i thought it'd be cool to share this with anyone who wants to read this. So enjoy! I hope you're encouraged at some points. :)

My name is Tuangporn Wiroonchatapunth. I am 24 years old. I now live in Nonthaburi with my mother and two younger sisters. I graduated from Silpakorn University, majored in English and minored in Tour Guide. I am a friendly and outgoing person, but I also tend to be an introvert who adores solitude and peacefulness. I love to get busy with jobs and people, but if there is some spare time, my favorite activities are reading, writing, listening to music and traveling. I would like to break down my journey from the past to the present into 3 stages: the questioning, the seeking and the pursuit.

The Questioning

Just like other Buddhist families, I was raised among idol-worshippers, and taught to do good in order to gain a ticket-pass to heaven. My father used to be a monk for 3 months. My mother was a devout Buddhist who never ceased to pray, make merits and go to temples. My other relatives on both sides are very strict when it comes to rituals and ceremonies. They hardly miss any occasions. My aunt used to offer her body as a temporary abode of a former king’s spirit’s brief visits. She is now a vegetarian. Being surrounded by such belief and tradition, it was doubtless that I had adopted the same motif in living; self-reliance.

I followed my parents’ steps. I was a temple-goer. I never forgot to pray before bed. I could also memorize some lengthy chants. The most important thing of all, I feared death. Ironically, though I tried to obey all rules and made plenty of merits, I was never sure and convinced that I would actually go to heaven. It seemed like the deeds I had done were never enough. Often, I was troubled by the scenes of hell, the fear of passing into the shadow and the nagging curiosity about the after death. I always found myself thinking about what-ifs: what if I died to day; what if the world came to an end; what if the universe didn’t actually exist. What then? Where would I be? What of the others? Would there be any consciousness left in me to be aware of what was going on? And the questions continued. Every time I tried to find a sensible answer, I would be pulled back to the beginning. The thought worked in a cycle. It did not lead me anywhere but nothingness - an utter darkness, a void. The more I spent time thinking about them, the more I got depressed. So, for a while, I pretended to forget and lived only for the moment.

The Seeking

Life went on until I entered into the turning point when my father passed away. He died of bone cancer when I was 15 years old. It was painful, unwelcome and shocking. Dad was my hero. I would usually be seen doing something alongside him: washing our cars, going to movies, reading newspapers, etc. I was daddy’s girl. When I learned that he passed away, my whole world was crumbling right before my eyes. Things were hopeless, and it was almost impossible to get a clear vision of how we, as a family, would go on without the pillar of the household. Those months of mourning were dragged by slowly. Each morning I awoke feeling cumbersome. Each night I went to sleep with loneliness and fear wondering where his spirit would be. The only strength and comfort I could find during that time was from my mother and sisters. Though we gave offerings to monks and did what a good Buddhist was supposed to, I always wondered if it would be any effective. It seemed to me that nothing could stop the forcing power of death, not even the Buddha himself. Despair was my constant companion for the knowledge beyond this world’s realm was too great for me to comprehend.

Being unable to acknowledge the eternal purpose, I thus shifted my focus back into the worldly goals: achievement and success. In high school, I was ranked as one of the top ten students in my class. I had a group of decent friends. My mom had her business going. We were settled in a new house and happy. I also started dating a senior student when I was in grade 11. Seemingly, life was good. After a while, Buddhism had become an obligated religious system of duties and responsibilities, not lifestyle. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was longing to know what lies beyond this world, and still searching for the true meaning of life.

In June 2002, I got a chance to go to an English camp arranged by the Campus Crusade for Christ. I went without much expectation. My only hope and desire was to practice my English with the native-tongues, and to meet new friends. While I was there, I was introduced to the sacrificial love of Christ. My eyes were opened to the truth concerning life and death. During my time at the camp, all the questions I had had were answered on the cross where Jesus died, and my hope in life beyond this world was found in the empty tomb. I realized that I was a prisoner of sins and the bitter past. I reckoned that the self-reliant ways of Buddhism would lead me nowhere near heaven; and no gods in this world could save me from hell but this One. I knew that I needed Him to redeem me. So I received Jesus Christ the Lord into my life.

The Pursuit

I might as well wrap it up now since the story seemed to have a happy ending. But real life is not a fairy tale for the quest is just about to begin (though I could claim that I know how it will end).

When I delivered the news to my mom and sisters, they were neither oppressing nor encouraging. Difficult as it was to be an only Christian in the family, plus being afraid to be a black sheep, I finally yielded to temptations after a month of struggling. I was drawn back into the same tide of worshipping idols. Every single time my head bowed down for those lifeless images, there was always a pang of guilt in my heart. And for a brief moment, I would remember the sweet fragrance of love and the fullness of life in Christ, and long to be back there once again. But the feeling of unworthiness stopped me from repenting. I would hear a mocking voice saying that there was no way to go back since I chose the ways of the world. I would be reminded that I was just a human unworthy of forgiveness, and everything in the camp was nothing but a sweet dream. I would only look up some encouraging bible verses once in a while for comfort, but I dared not claim the rights of salvation.

December 2002 came. One night I got a phone call from my boyfriend who told me that our relationship could go no further than just friends. I was brokenhearted. The same “world-crumbling” happened again that night. I felt betrayed and wondered if there would be any true love apart from my family in this world. After a few weeks of crying and pitying myself, the memories of love and friendship from the English camp began to flow back into my mind like a stream of river again. It was at that time when there was nothing left in my life I remembered God and His love, and actually surrendered my will to Him.

Thus began the pursuit. I spent time reading His words and pondering the truth until I found myself on my knees praying for forgiveness. The Light of hope and joy took place in my spent and weary heart. After conviction, I started to attend church nearby my living area. Nonthaburi Baptist Church has been my spiritual home ever since. Two years later, my mother came to salvation followed by my 2 sisters in a year later. Jesus is the Lord of my life. Each day I find life more meaningful and full of purposes when I abide in Him and seek His will. Though I cannot deny that I still do struggle with sins everyday, I have a hope that, as I pass through each valley, I would be stepping a little higher on the mountain to where He dwells and becoming more conformed into Christ’s likeness.

I do not know about the future. I have no idea where He will lead me next. But one thing I am certain of is that I do know where my true home lies. I want to spend the time He has given to me here on earth to get to know Him more and to live for Him. I have a passion to share this gift of salvation and the Good News to people in the world and guide them the way into God’s kingdom as it is stated in Hebrews 12:28 that, “therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God…”

J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote a song in his novel, the Lord of the rings, when Bilbo ventured off his home:

“The Road goes ever on and

from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can.

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.”

For me, life is an eternal quest, an endless journey, a life-long pursuit. I do not want to rob myself from that journey by giving in to the fear of the unknown

The Road Goes Ever On And On

Waiting on the Lord is so rewarding. It's beyond my words can say. For six years I've fought in this pursuit of this Arts degree. Now it's over. I don't have classes to go to anymore...nor do I have to be worried about the "due assignments". Weird how it feels empty. Never in my life have I had such mixed feelings: sad but happy, nervous but excited. I was told that there's always a new chapter to begin in this book of life. And now my turn has come after enthusiastically watching many people take on their journeys. The previous chapter is drawing its curtain, and the new one is about to begin.

I am now officially graduated, and about to set out to Chiang-Mai for my new job. It happened so fast that it is still magical. I applied for a job at Compassion International as a director's secretary two weeks ago. Iniatially, there was another spot that would fit me perfectly - Tour and Visit Specialist, but the position got close somehow. So I went for the secretary. I spent a whole month praying and seeking His will because I was really doubtful. The more I sought, the more I felt certain. There was one morning I read in Ezekiel 12, and this verse struck me with such harsh blow. It says, " 'Son of man, you dwell in the midst of a rebellious house, which has eyes to see but does not see, and ears to hear but does not hear;...' (Ezekiel 12:2)" And I personally felt like it was a desperate message from God to this stubborn and hard-headed daughter. There were so many signs earlier that I could allow myself to be sure but I denied them all. First of all, I hate to think of myself working to my bones but do nothing to benefit the others. My passion isn't to sign in at 8:00 and sign out at 5:00 nor to receive a big wad of cash at the end of the month. It may sound ridiculous, which undeniably it does...but...I had this tingly feeling that there should be something more than a mendatory schedule for my life. Second, I often found myself thinking about my countrymen who hardly have any opportunities in society at all. But most importantly, my heart is moved when I see these people so bound in the tide of traditional religious duties and system. Every time I see those on tv, I always hope that their chains would be broke.

I know that these signs aren't tangible but, if you are one of Jesus' followers, you do know what His voice is like. Yet i must admit that I was really hard on myself, and I never allowed any positive thought that I would get the job until I actually heard it. The interview on last Friday went well even though my performance on computer test was way too poor. Man, i've worked in the church office for four years but never have I had to make a statistic chart. I didn't even complete each task I was given at all. There were three programs: Words, Power Point and Excel. And I'd say my skills in these three programs are quite fine and efficient but making chart is a killer. So yah, I didn't expect much afterwards.Anyway, the interview questions were all about the applied position - secretary. But later on, I got to talk to one of the interviewers, who is also my friend. And she asked me if I would rather work as the tour and visit specialist because my skills are more qualified in this field. Of course I am! So without even expecting, I now have got a job at Compassion International as a tour and visit specialist. And man, it just fits me perfectly. I get to travel, take care and serve people while I serve the Lord. Plus, I am also involved in the children ministry that supports kids who lack opportunities. My job starts on July 1st. Actually, I don't start working right away because there'll be a fast-and-pray session in the morning, and the orientation in the afternoon. So it's gonna be a good preparation for me.

But in all these good news and excitement, I can't help feeling sad. It hit me hard this morning that I am actually leaving so many things behind: my beloved mom and sisters, the most amazing friends at church, GES and newsong, etc. There're so many memories out here. Yet I'm not moving far. Chiang-Mai is 9-hour bus ride, 12-hour train ride and 1-hour plane ride. I guess it's just moving out of my comfort zone that's scary but I have never been more excited. :) So wish me luck, guys. Wait, christians don't do luck, do we? ;) Prayers will be a good doze of comfort from you, my beloved siblings in the Spirit, to me.

With much love,Mink ^-^

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

...God knows...

I have so many things on my mind right now. And I'm being all by myself with a computer that, apparently, cannot converse with me. So this is a way of redeeming myself in this confusion and loneliness.

Here it comes again. This is probably one of the toughest time of the year. I just happen to be a fortunate person who gets to be a part of this journey along with the other GES teachers. I get to meet new people, establish friendship, learn new things from the other side of the world where i've never been before, experience the "life" outside of my shell, and say goodbye to the ones I love and care pretty much every single year.

But you know, I've only been a part of it. I've watched these wonderful men and women labor on their jobs, struggle with cross-cultural differences and rejoice over their success. Yet I've never been the one who actually experiences it.

It hit me really hard when I sit down and spend time pondering on the situation in my life right now...I am just clueless. It's like I've been taking a walk in this vast jungle on one spring morning...enjoying the birds chirping, the squirrels scurrying from one branch to another, the blooming flowers, the peaceful river...when in all of a sudden, there comes the multiple separated trails. Each one doesn't give me any clear paths. Suddenly I feel helpless and uncertain of the roads ahead.

Now I want to run back to my home sweet home where safety and security are promised. Here are my choices: do I want to continue be a mama's baby, sucking her thumb and begging for food or do i want to become a strong strider of the jungle who unsheaths her sword bravely when danger comes?

Oh, the answer is predictable. I wish for the latter choice. But my question is how do I get there? Really...how do I reach that point when at this present time I am merely clueless.

You tell me.

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." - Psalm 139:16

It is my hope to continue to trust in the Lord's plan even though it seems hopeless, to hold tight to the last string of faith and believe with all my heart that there is something waiting for me out there. My friend, Emily, spoke right into my heart when I was whining about my uncertain future. I moaned, "I just don't know what to do with my future. I don't know." Then she quietly replies, "But God knows."

Yes, God knows. It's no use trying to get all these questions answered in my time. Sometimes it is more thrilling to stand and witness His miraculous work. I don't know where I'm going to be in a year to come. And honestly, I'm scared...but...I'm also excited as well.

"Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Pride

Have you ever had this experience when your heart pierced and stung so painfully that you feel wholeheartedly ready to crush someone down because of their pride? I have. A lot of times in my Christian life, I find it hard to play a Cinderella when the injustice and wrongdoings are being done right in front of my eyes. I suddenly feel a strong sense of hatred towards those people. And all I want to do is to cause them pain the way they’ve done to me.

I know. I am a fool, like Nabal, Abigail’s prideful husband. I am no different than those ones I’m accusing of. I’m carrying my pride on my head like a golden crown when actually it’s just nothing but a wooden one. I’m stubborn just as a donkey is, and as stiff-necked as the Israelites were during the wandering time in the desert. Ernest Gordon, a PoW during the WWII in a Japanese camp, once wrote:

Death was still with us – no doubt about that. But we were slowly being freed from its destructive grip…Selfishness, hatred…and pride were all anti-life. Love…self-sacrifice…and faith, on the other hand, were the essence of life…gifts of God to men…Death no longer had the last word at Chungkai.

It’s hard to think of Jesus when the fire of anger stirred up in me. But think I must. Jesus is God who created heaven and earth…but…He is also the One who lowered Himself down to wash the twelve men’s feet with such humbleness and meekness.

If He so loved us, can we not love each other? Having been forgiven, can we not forgive? Having feasted at the table of grace, can we not share a few crumbs? "My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other" (1 John 4:11 MSG).
Facing Your Giant, Max Lucado

"Pride makes me cry
And I’m tired of being tried
Persecution, pressures, trials
What are these?
Beads of sweat drippin’ on to dirt
My back’s bent, my knees hurt
And now I’m watching those proud dudes
Casually waltzing in to receive the reward they don’t deserve
But who am I to judge?
I ain’t gonna do anything
Because the Righteous and Just
Had gone through the same thing
Humble and meek
Washing the twelve disciples’ feet
Can I do that?
Can you do that?
Prove yourself as a true Christian!

So get rid of your pride
It ain’t easy like a piece of pie
But it can be done
Through Him who is the saving One
Repent and surrender
No excuse whatsoever
“Abide in Me. Abide in Love”
And into Your River I dove
Make me decrease
So You may increase
Take my pride away
Or my faith be swayed"

May we never forget who we are...

Mink

Redeemed

Since when did I stop writing? Since when did I feel empty when about to put life into words?

I figured that there should be at least one cool story i could write since the last blog entry was in October...yes...you got it right...that long. But again, as I'm staring at the screen, my head is white blank. Human's mind is incomprehensible for me. At one moment, thoughts are flowing like a flood of water. Not a long while later, they are stuck in mud.

Right now it's 8:17 in the morning. The song "We Fall Down" is cooling the room down. The neighborhood is all silent since the rush hour has already passed. And I'm sitting alone, feeling a bit drowsy, in this room.

City life is interesting. Now I'm at my friend/ sister's room in Bangna, somewhere in Bangkok. I'd say it's a middle size community. There're a pool, a gym, a mini mart, a bookstore, a basketball court, a music school, an international school, some restaurants and coffeeshops, a church and a whole bunch of buildings.

This morning, after I got up, I was peering out of my window to look around, and it struck me what a limited life one can get into. Across from my room, a lady stretching her arms, yawning and scratching her head while getting ready for work. Two floors up, a half-awake guy in shorts standing at the balcony smoking his cigarette letting his mind drift off somewhere. It came to me...I feel sorry for these people. I don't know why...but it just hit me. Not only these particular neighborhood but those men and women who have to wake up every morning only to fill their day. It's just sad and depressing. It's all vanity. We are easily satisfied with the engaged busyness, the so-called romance the world offers us which most of it lasts not too long or the practical religious system which makes one feel worthwhile.

Then I thought of a scene from the movie, "the Sound of Music" when the girl, Mary, was running joyously on the top of the hill and singing as if to the whole world and ,of course, God. Every time I think of the scene, it's freeing. There's freedom in that certain shot. She is all exposed to the nature around her...but much more than that...her heart is exposed to the Calling above. And even her body is caged behind the gate of the church, she knows that there is freedom in everything she does because her heart is set free.

My friend, Nookie, introduced me to one of Chris Tomlin's songs - Amazing Grace (my chains are gone). Amazing Grace is forever my favorite hymn but with this new chorus, it made me choke with tears. It goes:

"My chains are gone Ive been set free
My God my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love Amazing Grace"

We should not be limited by area space though we must admit that we have such limited capacity. We should not be trapped in a cage of unhealed wounds, unforgotten past and unforgiven sins. We, God's people, have that freedom. We are no longer the PoW. We are freemen and we are all who we want to be in our Redeemer.

Market Trip

This morning I had an opportunity to go shopping at the market with my mom for the first time since last two years. I am not fully awake right now since I went to sleep around 2 o'clock last night and had to get up at 6; but I feel the urge to write this note.

We took a Song Taew truck to Nonthaburi market, the busiest place I have ever seen in the morning like that. Vendors after vendors, shops after shops were opening to welcome their customers. People, mostly in their PJs, were swarming in and out to run their early errands. Sellers' bellowing voices trying to get attention from shopppers, street dogs wandering..sniffing for left-over food, buyers hurriedly rush from one aisle to the other to get what they need and Thai Buddhists kneeling down...receiving blessing from a simple looking monk really made me overwhelmed. I have never been good in being in such a crowded, busy place with loud noise like this anyway, so it could probably have been another overwhelming trip. But the truth is...I kinda felt a little different this time.

While I was waiting around for my mom, a group of people caught my attention. A group of five ladies bowing down their heads, kneeling down on the stenched wet dirty floor, holding their hands in a wai form in front of a young monk with such stone, straight, emotionless face made me planted where I was standing.

These folks were joyless! They were hopelessly looking for ways to heaven, trying in vain to do good things...to earn merits...while knowing too well that it may not be the right path. The scene captivated my soul, and my heart was being squeezed so tightly that I thought I was going to collapse. It looks to me that the monk was the only brightest hope they could ever find...and try to cling to... before they started their days living in sins. How depressing that would be when you are not even sure of your salvation? "Do good things, girl, and you will go to heaven."...that's something I had been told since I was a little child. Everything is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Oh! My ultimate desire is to see my countrymen repent and receive Salvation. My dream is to be Jesus' hand to help the poor and the orphans in this place, the country that has been called, "the Land of Freedom". I want to see Thailand being the chosen nation. But I am so little. I am not much. Yet I really want to help. The spiritual warfare is marching on, but I am still stuck with sins. "Lord, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Deliver me from sins. Arm me with Your armor. And make me selfless, Lord Jesus. I am Your clay."

Freedom

While everything on GES campus seems to fall into the rhythm of peacefulness and quietness, the limbs of my soul are struggling to waddle out of the void of turmoil. Restlessness daily comes knocking on my door. And all i could do has been to welcome it with unwillingness.

Restless to follow God's call eventhough being clueless what it is.
Restless to begin the new journey eventhough the road looks so dark.
Restless to take the adventure with the One eventhough it may be dangerous.
Restless to be free from this worldly cage.

I was watching a movie called, "the Ultimate Gift" the other night. It is about the value of gifts that one can find. One phrase that completely blew me away was, "free to dream". Somewhere along the way, it seems like I have lost my dream. I have dropped it for a while. Then it came to me...Jesus came all the way from heaven to earth to SET US FREE, to give us FREEDOM. It is hard for my limitedness to totally understand the whole concept of freedom; but after all these years I have had with Him, I know that to be free in Him is to wholeheartedly and tremblingly rely on the Redeemer. Oh-yes, I don't even want to believe what I just wrote, yet the truth remains.

Often I have heard people ask, "If God is really almighty and sovereign, why didn't He stop Eve from sinning?" And the answer would be, "Well, because God didn't make us a robot. We were fearfully and beautifully made according to His image. He put mind and spirit into us. And He gives us choices. He gives us freedom so that we may glorify Him through this freedom." And I agree. A lot of people, and even I myself, sometimes try to put aside God and venture on our own. Eventually, I always find myself sitting on the floor helplessly, tears streaming down like waterfall and crying out to Jesus for help.

"I will walk about in freedom for I have sought out your precepts.", said David. There is freedom in Jesus. Be free to dance, free to sing, free to shout, free to think and free to dream. There's this phrase, "Nothing is free in this world", but I'm sure there is when you are in Him.

Mink

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:20-21