First, let me warn you that this entry will be LONG. So if you may not have enough time to read, feel free to print it out and read it at work or at home.
This week, I have a privilege to be the sole owner of my work station. All the other 3 girls are away: one in Bangkok, one in Australia and one unknown. Be it coincidence or destiny, we are all single. People often drop by to tease us about it, which we apparently don’t mind. Anyway, I’ve been able to get a lot of work done sooner than I thought and now I have some spare time to post this blog.
Life at this stage is good. The 2nd year of work is definitely easier than the 1st. For a few months at the beginning of the year, I was ready to bail. My heart wasn’t in my job. I struggled to find a home church. I missed home TERRIBLY. I wanted OUT.
Then came a trip that changed my attitude, fanned up my passion and God brought me back up to my feet again. How quickly I forgot my first love. Since the trip, I began to see Compassion ministry in fresher perspective. The prospect of ALL workers, be it in the head office or in the local churches, joining in one hand regardless of cultures and denominations excite me and makes me willing to go second, third, fourth mile to serve others’ need and, ultimately, serve God.
The Lord has also blessed me with a friendship that I long sought for. P. Manna is the Country Director’s assistant whose desk is just right behind me. She came here 5 months ago with the bachelor degree in graphic design (I think) from England. She’s from a very strong Christian family who is heavily involved with their church’s ministries. I never imagined we’d get together because her and my life is totally different. She seemed to me like a spoiled rich girl, at first. But we got to spend more time together during lunch break and weekends. Our common ground is movie. So after knowing her, I’ve watched more movies than I did last year in total. Having a friend who cares allows me to be more like myself and gives a sense of belonging and security.
I’m also helping out with the Sunday school class at the church I go to. I assist the 4-5 years old class, which is a lot of FUN! The first time I went was a bit awkward because it was mostly white kids. I know it shouldn’t be difficult because I have some very good Canadian and American friends but they’re adults. Kids are different. So I had to orient my mind all over again and observe their behavior and needs. After the class, I realized that children are the same all over the world. What they need MOST is genuine love and attention, period. It may come in different forms. Some kids may be more demanding while others may choose to hide behind their siblings’ backs. But all of them have potentials to create something fantastic. Just give them the time, a piece of paper and a box of crayons, they’d show you the entire world you need to see.
On a more personal note, God has put me through a very intensive course of abiding, trusting & surrendering and wrestling. There are some struggles since the past that I find it difficult to overcome. Every time I allow my desires to come before God’s, there comes the guilt. Every time I confess my sin and ask for forgiveness, I feel ashamed because it isn’t the first time I do it. So I feel like a liar, unworthy to come before God and want to bury my face in the ground.
David’s acknowledgement of God’s presence resonates with what I experience at the moment:
“7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”
There’s nothing to be hidden from God’s sight. Everything is clear as it is day. There’s no point in hiding my sin from Him. But at the same time I’m ashamed to come with dirt in my hands and have to look into His loving eyes and see not anger but forgiveness there.
The Spirit has convicted me. We learned together during devotion that Jesus is the Ruler of our life. He is omnipotent and sovereign. None is like Him. He is the PERFECT masterpiece. Jesus needs not try to reign for He DOES reigns. He simply IS. On the contrary, I, with my human nature, tend to obtain the rights that I shouldn’t have. I try to sit on the throne myself. It feels GOOD to have power, to get what I want, to have ALL the attention to myself and to not be responsible for any consequences of my words or deeds. It feels GREAT to pamper myself.
Hence, failed the angel.
But since NOTHING can be hidden from God’s sight, should I continue to be ashamed and blame myself? Though God has all the rights to judge human, He chooses not to condemn us. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Every time I read or hear this verse, I have to breathe a sigh of relief and give thanks to God. There is NO condemnation in Christ Jesus! We, robed in Jesus’ blood, are permitted the entrance to God’s sacred area. No matter how guilty I feel, but when I ask anything in Jesus’ name, I know He will answer.
That leads to the 1st thing I’ve been learning from God – Abiding. To abide means to stay hooked to, to remain, and to keep free of obstructions. The Father is the Vinedresser, Jesus is the Vine and I am the branch. He is saying, “I am the One hooked to the source, the nourishment, not you!” When I remain in Him, I acknowledge His full authority and the submission of self will naturally follow. I need to stay clean (confess my sins), close (spend time with His words) and obedient (do what He says) to God. Abiding is active, not passive. It is a choice to make.
Yet the verse doesn’t end there. Paul continues by saying, “…,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” We, though accepted and loved by God, MUST NOT take advantage of His grace. One all-time-favorite question for new believers is, “If our sins are forgiven by God, then what’s the point in not sinning?” Aha, repeat this verse with me, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) Jesus Himself told His disciples that, “no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskin.” Whatever reasons we may have to go back to the old way, leave them! Our old life doesn’t fit with the better things Jesus prepares for us.
I know it’s easy said but hard to be done. Yet nothing is too difficult for God. Remember that by abiding in Christ, we have come half way through. When we live by the Spirit, we bear much fruit. Notice when Paul said “the fruit of the Spirit”, he uses it in a singular form. Thus it means that when our life is in tune with the Spirit, this fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) will consequently show. Galatians 5:24-25 says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”
The 2nd thing I’ve gained is about surrendering & trusting. There are many areas in my life I reserve only for myself. I’m sure many of you go through the phase when the person you trust most is yourself. It may be the time when you apply for college after 12th grade or when you patiently wait for a sign that he/ she may be interested in you or when you have your wedding planned out or when you reserve a room at a romantic resort for your 50th anniversary. You have expectation. You want it to go as planned. You don’t want to be disappointed.
Yet sometimes when life takes its full swing, you somehow find yourself on the floor, defeated. There’s the letter of rejection in your mailbox. The guy/ girl you’re interested is now dating with someone else. Your wedding is called off. The 50th anniversary is turned into a funeral because of cancer.
Who then can we turn to in those unexpected moments? When life is OUT of control, what do we do?
I was fretting about something the other night. I was furiously scribbling stuff I wanted to do down if I could have my way. I chewed on my pen. My mind was reeling. My heart was restless. When I finished writing, I started to read what I wrote. It made no sense to me! A voice came to me asking, “Where is God in all these things?” I was so worried that I couldn’t lay it down at the altar. I refused to let Jesus take the load from me.
So I prayed for God’s forgiveness and lifted the worry before Him. Needless to say, the weight was gone. It was such an incredible feeling…like there’s nothing in the world that I can’t do…if you know what I mean.
Surrendering, I realized, is rewarding but it’s a work one must choose to do everyday. There are many other areas I’m still holding back from Him. And I know that they must be dealt with sooner or later. It isn’t an easy gain but once it’s done it feels GOOD.
Lastly, the 3rd lesson is about wrestling. Not any normal wrestling match. It’s a life-changing, breaking-me-and-making-me-new kind of wrestling with the Supreme Creator. I don’t know about you but I, personally, have a struggle that I find it almost impossible to overcome. Every time I’m tempted, I can do nothing else but yield to the temptation. One day I told God I won’t ever do it again then the next day I’m caught red-handed.
Wrestling with God is a life-long work. The more God’s word is engrained in my heart and the closer I am to Him, the more effort Satan uses to lure me away. It knows my weakness and it gets to the right spot every time. When I give in, I can hear a mocking laugh and a sneering voice saying that I’m as cheap as dirt.
But the Lord promises that He “will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
This wrestling match with God requires determination, persistence and forgiveness. Jacob was wrestling with “the man” until daybreak and he wouldn’t let go until he received the blessing. Eventually at daybreak, the man said to Jacob, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.” (Genesis 32:28) I love the last part, “…and have OVERCOME”. I’m not battling in vain. There is a hope that when I persevere and stand for what is right; I will see God “face to face”. And there’ll be no shame on that day.
On a quest to heaven, we, pilgrims, will have to go through many roads and valleys. But when we are faithful to the end, we will see the glorious light shining before us. We will quickly forget the pain, suffering and tears because there in front of us is the radiant Jesus robed in beautiful garment holding out the crown of life to us who persevere.
